Teaching Bella to Drive

A few weeks ago, my limousine driver quit on me after an unfortunate incident involving the phrase "blind, retarded imbicile." I tried to explain to him that it was just an expression, but apparently the last straw was the part where I said he wasn't even worth minimum wage.

Anyway, I couldn't very well drive myself anywhere. How would that look to my legions of admirers? I'd somehow managed to chase off just about every licensed driver I knew. (I think they were intimidated by my beauty.) The only possibility left seemed to be my dog, Bella.

Before you all start snickering and saying that it would look silly for a princess to be driven around town by a dog, I just want to set you straight. Bella is a beautiful Welsh Pembroke Corgi, and any one of you would feel honored to have her chauffer you anywhere.

So I set off one afternoon with Bella and her trainer Jorge to the outskirts of the Jackadillo Republic, intent on teaching her how to drive the royal chariot.

At first Bella seemed a little nervous. She'd never, of course, been behind the wheel of a car before and she didn't quite know what to make of such a position of power.

I tried to explain to her that having our lives in her paws was no big deal--she just had to drive carefully and for God's sake try not to kill me.

Eventually she calmed down enough to give driving a try, but she was still very careful about checking the gauges. I tried to be patient with her. After all, she's only five months old.

Bella soon began to realize the awesome power of having a royal vehicle at her pawtips, so much so that she even started to pull crazy little stunts, like driving with her eyes closed.

In fact, Bella became so reckless that we had to make her stop driving altogether.

I'm a princess, after all. I can't be driven around town by some psychotic dog. What if she ran over some bratty little kid and I got sued? That would be very bad for my royal reputation.

So Bella's driving days were over almost as soon as they started. She didn't take it well, either. At one point, she even attacked Jorge.

I think she's gotten over it since then. Every once in awhile, though, I see her looking out the palace window in the direction of the royal car and howling mournfully.

Now and then, the servants on my estate say the car goes missing in the middle of the night, but it always turns up again in the driveway by morning. They never see who takes it. In the morning they always find several red and white hairs on the driver's seat. Upon investigating the house, they find Bella sound asleep with a peaceful smile on her face.