Jorge's Corgi Army

Ever since he became possessed by the Devil, Jorge has wanted to make his mark on the world. And because he's been operating under Satan's influence for awhile now, his favorite idea for leaving a legacy was to start his very own army of the undead. In trying to implement this plan, Jorge quickly ran into a problem. It wasn't just that he didn't have ready access to the undead, it was that zombies really, really scared him.

So the undead army idea failed before it even began. But Jorge isn't one to give up that easily. Though he couldn't stand the thought of working with zombies, he was pretty sure he could train corgis to do his bidding. But there was a small problem, in that he only had one dog handy, and that was Bella.

Because I don't pay him very much, Jorge didn't have the money to go out and buy a hundred other corgis to create his army. And since we had Bella spayed, he couldn't just borrow a boy dog to start making puppies.

And so Jorge thought. And thought. And thought.

Finally, he hit upon the perfect plan -- the only logical solution, really. He would clone Bella. He had some test tubes and a petri dish in the shed, left over from his high school biology class, so why not give it a try?

So Jorge toiled, day in and day out for months, trying to create another corgi. As the number of failures mounted, Jorge grew more and more despondent and depressed. But then, just as he was about to give up, Jorge had a breakthrough, and the second member of his evil army was born. Princess Hoppy was given the honor of naming the new puppy, so at her request we called it "Pogy."

It was clear from the start that there was something not quite right about Bella's clone. First of all, Pogy looked nothing like her. Second of all, Pogy was a boy. In fact, Pogy was so different from Bella that Jorge even accused me of buying a puppy and putting him in the shed to convince Jorge that his experiment had finally worked. A preposterous idea, really. Such a thing would be an act of kindness, and anyone who knows the Jackadillo Princess knows that I am rarely, if ever, kind to others. In the end, though, it didn't really matter. The important thing was that Jorge now had the beginnings of his corgi army.

Jorge began Pogy's training early. Jorge taught him to attack people on command, practicing by having Pogy bite his wrist with a terrible puppy vengeance. He and Bella also trained in dog-to-dog combat on a regular basis. They'd wrestle and play, fighting over rawhide chew toys and treats, learning the techniques of combat without ever really hurting each other. Before long, Jorge became convinced that his corgi army was truly on a path of world domination.

At this point, Jorge began attempting to clone both Bella and Pogy in an effort to expand the number of his combat troops. Unfortunately, he'd forgotten to write down the instructions for how to clone a dog, so he had to begin again from scratch.

As Jorge worked on creating more corgis, Pogy was growing older and the intensity of his training increased. Now he was not only learning the physical nature of his involvement in Jorge's evil army, but the philosophical principles as well.

Bella and Pogy attended regular classes in which Jorge indoctrinated them into the world of doing evil. They learned that they were expected to be loyal only to Jorge, and that they would always have to follow his orders, even if they believed the commands to be morally questionable. Bella and Pogy listened to every word with rapt attention, and Jorge was sure his army would soon be ready for battle.

As confident as he was in their abilities, Jorge felt he needed to test his two troops to see how they would handle a pressure situation. He organized a fake attack, in which two friends of Jorge's pretended to be masked ninjas and attacked him during a training exercise. Gasping between punches to the gut, Jorge ordered Bella and Pogy to attack the intruders, confident that they would come to his rescue.

To Jorge's surprise, Bella and Pogy raced back into the house, where Pogy ran to me for protection and Bella went to the food bowl for a snack.

When Jorge got out of the hospital, he wanted to figure out what had gone wrong. His army had seemed so perfect, and yet his troops had failed him at the critical moment. Upon investigation, he realized that, during combat training, the dogs had only been playing with each other, not learning to fight. And during their indoctrination classes, they'd only paid attention to Jorge's lectures because he'd been eating potato chips and they were hoping for treats. It turned out that they were just puppies, not vicious corgi army trainees.

So Jorge had to give up on this particular plan for world domination, and the dogs were allowed to return to a state of typical carefree puppiness.

And Jorge has begun planning his next world coup. He won't tell me what it is, but I think it has something to do with monkeys.

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